Learning to love

I have always looked at myself as someone who struggles to love herself completely; someone who doubts her worth at times.

Lately, I have been questioning myself on how I love other people too. Is it too much or not enough? Is it destructive? Is it toxic?

We all learn love differently. You might have learned it when you were 8 – the way your parents looked at each other lovingly after a big fight. You might have learned it from your grandparents – who always seem to bicker but it just makes them stronger. 

I, on the other hand, learned from a lot of people. I learned love from my mom at 2 am when she begged my dad not to leave us despite his bad habits. I learned that love can make you forget what pride and ego means. I learned that with love, there’s pain – you just have to choose who’s worth the pain and you never give up. I learned love from my dad the first time I saw him cry when his own mom disowned him over the phone yet he never spoke ill about her. I learned that love can make you forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness and still wish the best for them. I learned love from my grandmother when she played favorites since I was a child. I learned that love will make you work hard and wish you were enough for the people that matters to you. I learned love from my little brother when he asked help from me while my dad is punishing him for something he’s done and I ran to protect him. I learned that love is wanting to protect them all the time even if it means taking the blow.

I also learned love from 17 year old me, staring at her reflection, begging the universe for someone to stay with her through the good and bad because she is worth it. I learned that love can sometimes be ugly and broken but beautiful at the same time.

I have learned love in various ways and from different people but until now, I still manage to hurt the people I love the most along the way. 

I guess I am still learning and sometimes.. still begging my seventeen year old’s reflection for someone to stay with me while I do so.

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