A letter to my future child

Mommy loves you very much

More than I have loved anyone else

More than I have loved my parents
More than anyone has ever loved me.

I hope you won’t ever feel what I’m feeling right now. I won’t even describe it – I don’t want you imagining it and finding yourself. But in case, just in case – Know, you do not belong there.

I, too, thought I am the insults and judging stares everyone has thrown me. I thought I am the broken pieces everyone left with me. I thought I am the embodiment of the almost but not quite enough no matter how much you try. I thought I am the echoes of all the rejection I’ve ever heard and received.

I’ve never been so wrong.

Honey, if you ever find yourself in a sad and dark place – Mommy will be here. Trust me, I will be here. I know how it feels to not have someone and I never want you to feel that – no. I’d take all of these if it means you’ll never have to go through it.

Honey, if you can’t find yourself – calm down. Breathe. You’re not lost baby, you’re just on your way. Don’t rush because I will be here every single baby or dinosaur steps you take – always. I will hold your hand until the sky turns royal blue like the seas at night and until the sky turns orange and pink like flowers in spring. I will hold your hand all throughout the storms and the seasons, all throughout the floods and the drought. I will hold your hand and grasp it when it’s turning loose.

And when you finally find your destination, when you finally find yourself – you can let go of mine. Honey, no, I will not take it against you. How can I ever? You can let go of mine if you want to see the world and all it has to offer. You can let go if you want to feel things you’ve never felt before and know that if you want to come back and hold my hand again – know, it never stopped waiting for you.

Honey, if you can’t seem to understand why they leave despite giving all that you’ve ever had. If it seems so hard to breathe, when tears are all the words you can’t quite speak and when blood shot eyes have become too normal for no night is saved from your crying – I will hug you so tight. I can’t promise to take away the pain although I wish I could. I really do. But I can hug you so tight until all your pieces come together. I can walk long miles with you and drive long roads with you until you feel like you’ve seen every light in the city and every car in this town and realize, there is so much more to this world than the person who broke your heart; than the person they left you to become – so much more.

If you think you lost all your pieces and gave too much of you to people who never gave any back – Sweetie, I may have nothing now but I will, in a heart beat give it all to you. If you feel incomplete, devoid of something you can’t find and end up looking for something to fill you in. Baby, let me remind you that you are not a space to be filled or a hole to be fucked. You’re not a hollow auditorium in which they can hide themselves in. You’re not a mansion of secrets in which they can ransack you dry. Baby, let me remind you – you are not every person you’ve been with and every secret you’ve inhaled and exhaled and some even choked you; You are you and it will always be that way because no matter what, your heart and soul doesn’t change its shape to fit into others hands.

Honey, if you ever thought your quirks and assets are flaws – let me assure you. I will assure you day and night, every day of the week. Let me tell you the story of how I am so insecure and not confident with my own skin – with stretch marks, dark spots and chicken skin. Let me tell you the story of the first time I stripped bare in front of a man and he never looked at my flaws as flaws – just normal human skin with dents and marks as evidence of living. But sweetie, don’t get me wrong – you do not need a man to validate you first before you feel confident. You just need to know – the right people will never mind and so do you. So do you, sweetie.

Honey, if you ever doubt your strengths and mistakenly call them weakness – they are only weakness when you don’t use it to grow and learn. Remember that even superman has kryptonite and I, you – and you are my favorite weakness. 

Honey, if you ever finish this and still doubt my love for you – come to me. Tell me. Tell me why do you feel that way and I will tell you how much your existence makes mine so much more meaningful and I will tell you that you are the galaxies and bodies of water combined. I will tell you that I love you and I hope this time – you believe it.

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