I hate to admit this but, what do you do when you lose it?

The sparkle in your eye as you look at the people you love – your eyes have gone empty and it no longer longs to see the bright lights in the sky at night, the sun as it rises and the lovely beam as it sets. All it holds now are the tears you try to suppress and the blackness you try to escape. You start to realize that no matter how hard you try, your eyes will always reflect your soul.

The gleam of your smile as you witness something beautiful, may it be your loved ones or something hilarious – your smile became forced just so you wouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone because to be frank, I don’t even know where to start. It lacks the usual glint, the usual gleam and the natural happiness it used to show, all that’s left is the remains of you as you slowly lose yourself in the darkest corners of your mind and no one even notices.

The enthusiasm to live, despite everything – you lose it and you don’t even know where and when. Was it when your mom smiled happily to your brother as he hugs her and you realize, you haven’t seen her smile like that before when you’ve done it so many times already. Was it when not one of your family bothered to ask how you’ve been for the past years just because they don’t see you crying? Was it when people stopped listening to you and your opinions? Was it when your existence no longer mattered or made a difference, unless they would ask you for a favor? I guess somewhere between those, I might have dropped it.

The sweetness of your tongue – all it holds now are curses and insults directed to yourself because you’d rather be the judge of your own body and mind than other people’s victim. It has become so smooth and natural as the word fuck and useless roll of your tongue. You realize it turned into a defense mechanism, making yourself sound strong and bitter just so nobody can do it to you, nobody but yourself.

The tenderness in your heart – it slowly hardens and blackens as you begin to question  yourself if this is your doing. Are you a bad person? You start to blame yourself and as you succeed, another thought enters and you think; it was them who turned you into this. It turned into a never ending cycle of forgiveness and hate and sometimes you get scared, what if the latter wins?

I ask once more, what would you do if I lose it?

If I do, I’ll just ask one thing from you – please, please don’t hate me. I didn’t wish to be like this.

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