Sometimes, we forget; There is a thin line that separates listening and hearing.
I told you about my scars.
You heard me and shouted “why?” Not knowing better, I told you. I told you all the blades that each and everyone holds and how some has grazed my skin. How some chose to draw circles and broken hearts on the empty void of my palms. Then, I told you some and I told you more. Lastly, I told you the worst of all; how some didn’t use the blades on their hands but the knives on their tongue. How each spoke with understanding and tenderness not once did I doubt. Only to discover, it held no meaning at all. You told me how they were so wrong to hurt me in ways you will not do and I believed you. Now, tell me, did you really listen or you just heard me? Because I can already feel another cut burning my skin.
I told you how I am scared and how I don’t trust anyone anymore.
You heard me and smiled. You told me that how would I know who to trust if I will not risk? You showed me day after day why I should trust you but I was skeptical still. One day, you got tired. I admit, it must have been my fault; I was too stubborn.You demanded answers on why I cannot trust you. Was it because I was only playing games or you weren’t trustworthy enough? It was then my turn to smile. Tell me, did you really listen or you just heard me? You wanted to be the one to change the game but honey if you have listened hard enough, you would know; I am no player and, there is no game to begin with.
I told you I needed a friend.
You heard me and told me you have somewhere to be. You have all these excuses lined up and rehearsed and gullible as I am, I genuinely thought you were busy. Maybe you didn’t hear me call for you, maybe all you heard was me calling for attention. So, I sought for a friend in solitude and if only you listened, if only you did, you would realize it was a call for help and it could be my last.
I told you I couldn’t take it anymore.
You screamed and told me I was weak. All I gave you was a sad smile. I didn’t have to tell you how much guts it took for me to admit that I am so damn close to giving up. I didn’t have to tell you how hard I fought to live until this very day and how much I have to fight with my own self not to take my own life. I didn’t have to tell you that sometimes even my prayers are full of death wishes and I didn’t have to tell you how my demons have already resided inside my head and I am so close to being one. I didn’t have to tell you I wasn’t weak. I didn’t have to tell you and I didn’t want to tell you.
You wouldn’t have listened anyway.