Day Five: A note to your past you
All I can say is I am really sorry.
I’m sorry for the times I talked you down and underestimated you. I’m sorry for the times I’ve insulted you and screamed profanities in your head. You were such a happy girl.. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. I wasn’t ready for the impact, for the ultimatum.
I wasn’t ready to be the strong lady everyone expects me to be. I was not ready for the aftershock of losing the people you love in a blink.
I am deeply sorry for cutting your wrists and drenching it in hopeless endeavors. I am sorry for the bruises in your thighs and concealing it with empty threats. I am sorry for the times you broke down and I laughed at your weakness. I am sorry you had to go through it alone for I was too selfish to tell anybody else about the war in your head; the never ending battle to live or die. Im sorry you had to accept everything I throw you, that you had to bathe in lies and false accusations.
I am deeply sorry for not being completely honest with you.. I am deeply sorry I didn’t tell you, that I always knew in the back of my head you could do it. You just gotta fight for it so bad, so bad.
I want to thank you too. Thank you for fighting for us. You were so scared I know, but you managed and you did it.
I haven’t told you how happy I am when I saw you trying so hard not to see and hear the things that break you. How happy I am when I saw you fighting for your smile. How happy I am when I saw you slowly come to love your imperfect skin, the impurities within, the dark spots and the birthmark on your lower back.
Thank you for the wonderful journey. Thank you so much for fighting.
I haven’t told you how proud I am of you. Now, I will.
I am so proud of you for choosing to live. I promise I won’t make the same mistakes I did before. We will live and we will fight. Just like you did, despite everything in you telling you not to.
Thank you for overcoming your demons. I promise, I will do too.