Give me a break

I’ve been wanting to write a new blog post but I just feel so uninspired these past few weeks.

Too uninspired that I can’t even write a post that makes sense.

I mean if I could post just about anything then I already did.

A post about my new grey manicured nails, about the never ending issues between me and my friends or my never ending cravings for cheese. I bet there’s already a bunch of them published but I don’t want that. I want my posts to be inspiring..

I just want it to be the kind of post I’d like to see on a bad day.

But how can I inspire if I’m not inspired myself? I dont even have an inspiration. I just feel so down, helpless and alone. Damn, even all that’s going on in my head is death, stress and suicide. Funny. I write to inspire, and maybe just maybe and hopefully help you love life. Even see the good things in the bad as I have a few weeks and months ago.

But now it seems like I am contradicting my posts.

But then, I realize. I don’t always have to be a garden of blooming red roses. Sometimes, the drought will come and steal your glow away. But that doesn’t mean you’re useless.. or any less wonderful.

You see, in life it’s not always pretty. Most of us know that by now. Don’t be scared to fall on your way up, honey. Dont be scared to step a little backward or hell take a whole step back on your road forward. Darling, it’s okay to stall. To rest.. to give it a break but don’t you ever stop there.

I repeat, don’t you ever stop there.

I almost did. God forbid, I almost did.

I was on the verge of it but fuck, I’m not gonna throw everything I’ve worked hard for years just because of a single or even a hundred failures and insults.

Damn, they don’t deserve that power over me.

No.

I decided to walk outside. Get some fresh air. Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours. I just walked and cried. Some were looking and some were not. Honestly though, at that very moment, I couldn’t care less.

You know what matters at that moment? Myself.

My mental, physical, spiritual and emotional well-fucking-being is on the edge and I’m going to put it back to its place. I deserve everything you say I don’t.

Listen, I am not a failure. I am not a useless scum on the face of the earth. I am not meaningless. I am not an option or a one night stand. I am not the friend you leave when you’re done. I am not a rose in which you only adore when beautiful.

Listen, I am a fucking champion and you can never bring me down with your insults that are as empty as your smile. I am as powerful as the words you speak of when you’re mad. I am a diamond that only a select few can have so know that if you throw me away, I am not coming back. I am a masterpiece, in which there are errors and mistakes but in the right eyes, brilliantly beautiful.

I am who I am no matter what you tell me. I am who I am no matter what I tell myself.

Darling, its okay to stall. To give it a break. To rest. But trust that I won’t stop there. I will not stop there. I need a break, and thats what I’m gonna take.

Because you know what?

I am who I am and that is not going to change.

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