I’ve always been a coward. I always let the judgmental words and dangerous thoughts win over me.
I remember when I thought I had no one and there’s war in my head, I seeked the internet for peace; solace. I soothed all my worries and fears with stories and comfort myself with strangers. I remember every day I would look for a different story with the same subject; suicide. I remember with the blade in my hand and cuts on my thighs that I depended solely on what I can find in the world wide web; whether it’d be an encouragement to live or to kill. I remember with uneven breaths and shaky hands that I hated myself in the mirror and always end up with bruises.
I’ve always thought that you have to hurt yourself on the outside, to kill that thing inside.
Maybe that’s what they all wanted to say but couldn’t. Couldn’t be the one to be blamed, couldn’t be the reason for your death and couldn’t be the bad guy.
To let all of you know, I am inlove with the anonymity in the online world. No one gets to know who I am. No one gets to judge me. And to let all of you know, not more than 5 people in my entire life knows that I have been the one causing the cuts and bruises; not the edge of table, the clumsiness on the road or the unseen sharp wood on the stairs.
But one day, tired with all of these, I decided to change. I decided to love myself because if no one will, then I will. I decided to alter my life; cut the negativity, add a little more love and sew some courage.
And write. Write for the people who come to the online community to alleviate their troubles. Share sincere stories that I struggled to find before. I am not a stranger in the internet. I am a friend and I am here. I want to be there for someone who needed me just like I wanted someone to be there for me when I needed them. I will be the person I needed back then and that is why I am writing this. I want to reach people.
I have read a post before but I dont remember whose post was it but this has stuck with me until now.
Just a cut. Just a scratch.
“What’s that mark?”
“It was just the cat.”
Just an excuse
Just another lie
“What’s with all the bracelets?”
“Just fashion, why?”
Just a tear
Just a scream
“Why were you crying?”
“Just a bad dream”
But its not just a cut, or a tear, or a lie
Its always “just one more”
Until you die.
Be careful with every word because it could be the last thing they need for them to buy their ticket out. It could be the sharpness of your words, the edge of your tone or the blades of your hands.
Now, I’ve let everyone know about this. Im trying not to be scared anymore. So go ahead and judge me, this time I’m not letting you win.